Another weak, another lost…
…and another update.
I had my laser eye surgery on Friday Morning. Truth be told I was sitting in the waiting room for an hour shitting my pants. Turns out it was completely unnecessary. The procedure took less than 5 minutes and the only bad part was when the Doc made the flap with a little clear plastic cookie cutter and a what appeared to be a big steel press with bright lights. Everything went black for those few moments, then the cookie cutter came out and the “flap” popped off my eye with a wierd sensation then settled again. Then he did the other eye. After that he swung me round under the laser and put the clamp thing in my eye to hold it open. He peeled the flap of skin back and everything went blurry. He was yelling at me over the noise of the machine to focus on the orange and red flashing light but i couldnt see shit without the skin over the front of my eye. Then the laser flashed into my eye a few times and the smell of burning skin filled my nostrils. Rinse and repeat for the other eye. Afterwards I was a little shaken. I mean, when you have anything done to your eyes its nerve racking given the consequences of something going wrong. It doesnt bear to think about going blind or having your vision reduced even further. Especially given the cost of the procedure.
So the procedure went well. I walked out of the surgery and the anaesthetic drops in my eyes began to wear off and my eyes were really heavy and sensitive to the light. Of course mother had decided to park on the other side of town to the surgery. By the time we were back down near the car park I couldnt see a damn thing because i couldnt open my eyes. Once home the torture began. Because the slightest thing can dislodge the flap of skin the surgeon created, touching your eyes is a big no-no. however they neglect to mention that, that same flap of skin feels like an inside out contact lense making your eye itch like hell. Trying not to scratch it or rub my eye was like hell on earth but i perservered. After a while the ibuprofen kicked in and I was able to fall asleep and rest my eyes for an hour or so. Upon waking up they were watery and sensitive to light but my vision was already clearing up. There was still alot of blur though where Light was reflecting from surfaces or being projected from, and causing alot of glare. I was told this was normal. Its still quite bad today.
Now I’m left wondering what to do with myself. I’m bored to tears and my mind is doing its utmost to make me feel like the shittiest person in the world currently. I have a dream thats so fragile even thinking about it is dangerous business. Today however I can’t get it out of my head and so my mind is giving it a good kicking. If there are any splinters/fragments/shards/dust left of it by the end of today I’d be surprised. I literally just feel like giving it up. I want to fight for it but this is me we’re talking about. Of course its a dream thats out of my reach, a fantasy at best. But its got me thinking. I’ve been there, I’ve been the agony aunt for years now, listening to other peoples shit. Shit that to me has seemed trivial at times and downright ridiculous at others. And now I need that same help, that outside opinion or input its not there. Its fucking infuriating me. Why the fuck should I bother being such a good friend when I can’t rely on anyone to be the same for me? I’ve been duct taping up other peoples problems for a long while now, in the absence of having my own, and now that I have a fucking big one trying to offer the duct tape is like telling someone you want to give the some hybrid form of aids and rabies with the side effects of pneumonic plague. Great eh. So I believe today I shall just wallow in self pity, tearing myself apart piece by piece.
I wish I could just tell her, to call her and explain how I feel and how I’d like things to be. Everytime I dream of it I feel self centered. heh. God its killing me, all these what ifs. What if she feels the same, what if she’s thinking about me? what if she’s wondering why I havent called her? What if she doesnt feel the same. What if she’s fed up of me texting her or facebooking her. What if she’s just glad im not calling her. What if I do call and she hang ups. What if I tell her and she shoots me down.
You see what I mean about relationships and all that goes with them being far to sodding complicated these days? It’d be easier If I could just say “Me strong hunter, me give you much food and many babies” but no, theres all this extra emotion and complication.
