“Kiss me with your bloody lips and drive me Insane”
Once again I can’t sleep. I’m going to try some free writing and see where it takes me, if anyhere at all. She’s consuming my thoughts again. her beauty is so haunting, it breaks my heart to think of her. Bearing in mind I havent really made my feelings known to her for fear of well…everything, I’m living in absolute terror that she could turn around and say she’s just not interested. And theres a black place inside me that suspects those few words are coming. Those few words which have shattered a thousand worlds and scattered their remains over each broken heart they have made. Its worrying really, I was lying awake on monday night clawing at my head that her face would leave me and let me sleep and dream of her instead in the embrace of rest. Now I pray she’d leave me because each time she’s there my heart trembles with fear and I dislike being this vulnerable. I feel broken as if something is missing and I don’t know how to overcome it. It makes me feel sick, disinterested in everything around me. As if my heart has been broken before it was ever in anyone elses hands.
“And if I start to come undone, stitch me together”…please. I’m frayed at the edges now and every passing day is tugging loose another thread and destroying the fabric I’m made of. This whole thing seems scary and desperate but I’ve been getting little or nothing from my friends in the way of support through this. Peach’s girlfriend has contributed a little but i just need to get my mind off it all. Nevermind. I’ve suffered through worse by myself before and it looks like I’ll be left to weather this storm alone again. If I had a God I’d pray to him or her for strength. I’d like to believe in the old Gods, but if thats the case, I doubt Thor would listen to a weak man’s prayers. Instead he’d simply laugh and watch me suffer. Like Crom from the Conan comics. Besides if there was a God I wouldnt have to pray would I? but then Benevolence is apparently something most Gods lack in.
Sorry, getting distracted by music. trying to find some suitably sad songs to fit my mood. Am I the only person that does that? Seems a bit odd on reflection. I bet most people would rather listen to some upbeat music to lift their spirits. I just can’t bring myself to. I’m not in the mood for happy music. It’d be a betrayal of how I feel. Maybe I like feeling like this? Is that it? I don’t want to lift my spirits because I enjoy the Black Dog as company? In a twisted way that could be right. In hindsight I’ve spent most of my adult life in solitude - alone and dealing with varying forms of grief from one source or another, alone. I get a strange feeling that theres some form of Nostalgia attatched to how I feel now.
“In the ruins of memories he wanders”
I have enough Nostalgia for other moods and memories I dont need this shit. A quick flash of blood and a brief release was always the answer before, to kill an emotional pain with something physical. That rush of saliva to the mouth and the tingling sensation left over in my arm. I feel I’m too old for that option now. It wouldnt look good. Fuck it why should I let how other people view me affect how I deal with my emotions? however fucked and conflicted they are? I wish I could get some sleep. I bet whoever reads this wishes I would go to sleep too. Are you still reading this? You are showing alot of dedication in trying to get inside my mind. What else would you like to know? Ask me another night. I’ve sufficiently exhausted my mind enough to hope Her face will leave me for a few solitary moments alone with my pain so I can slip off to sleep.
“wait for me in the mountains, haunt for me in the winds, wait for me in the land where nothing lives…Until my heart is cold every breath of mine is yours”
