Mon
Jan
10
Yes I know its been a while again but heh who gives a shit, its my blog. Alot has happened since my last updates. looking back on them I was a big emo douchebag. Totally fooled by Melissa. I doubt I’ve learned my lesson. I’m still a sucker for a pretty face and a little physical contact here and there.
However, It’s all happening today! I’ve just finnished my online application for Houghall College where I intend to study arboriculture and forestry. I’ve had quite enough of being cooped in a giant concrete prison as my place of work. I’ve also gotten quite sick of having no career prospects, and I want to move out. The two don’t really go together. So! Three or Four years time It’ll hopefully be coming together. With a bit of hard work I should be a Woodland Ranger or a Tree Surgeon…or Both! Living in Cumbria or up in Scotland somewhere driving a Defender to and from work. I quite like this.
I’ve also been looking into pipe smoking. I’m still a total novice and have no idea where to start with regards to tobacco but the image of sitting outside on a summers evening enjoying the peace of the breeze in the leaves and birds twittering while I enjoy a relaxing smoke appeals to me.
Lastly. I’m on the verge of ordering an airbrush for my Space Wolves. brushing on shadowgrey is getting laborious and time consuming, its simply off putting. the thought of being able to get the primary colour onto an entire squad in under ten minutes is quite frankly exciting also I’m rather hoping to get a bit of money this year from something I’m not yet ready to discuss online which will probably be going towards ALOT of forgeworld miniatures. namely TANKS!
Wed
Aug
11
You know, I’ve never written a love letter before. I sat down tonight and thought “What in Odin’s name is going on with my feelings at the moment..gonna write em down” but everytime I start It just seems like an introduction to a letter written by a serial killer to an intended victim whom he was interrupted from murdering. How hard is it to explain how you feel about someone these days without it being the sort of cliches stalkers use to explain to their obsession why they watch them going to work on a morning and ordering a coffee in the starbucks on the highstreet and the exact amount of suger they like etc etc.
It’s got me worried because I’m beginning to wonder if I’m that creepy stalker guy. I mean, if this was any kind of genuine emotion it would flow out of me in some kind of wordsworth-esque prose that would melt the heart of my affection.
Thu
Mar
25
You know I don’t think Murderface was far off when he said “women…they are soul murderers” I give up. I seriously give up. I’m not gay, or Bi, but my faith in the other sex has been shaken to the foundations I think. Another Apparent fantasy of Adolescent proportions has come crashing down and I feel bad that I was ever a party to something so pointless and Immature. What the fuck is the fucking point of anything. I hate my Job, I hate being single, I hate having no prospects, I hate myself. Seriously Is anything worth living for? You could call me a coward if I killed myself but to be perfectly honest I couldnt give a shit. At least I’d have had the guts to Put a poor miserable wretch out of his misery. Fuck it all seriously. What the fuck is the point in bothering anymore. I can’t even taste the jager anymore. I don’t hear the music. I just want to shuffle off my mortal coil without a fuss and without disturbing anyone.
Mon
Mar
22
Alright so I’m sitting bitching to myself about the people on Warcraft and chatting with Smivaz on msn. when suddenly my dream pops back into my head. I can’t really remember the finer points of it but the main theme of it was;
I was at work, In good old Asda, In Derwentside, which was some how in Soviet Russia and completely covered by Jungle apart from “Federally Designated Open Spaces” One such place being a large water fountain I was cleaning myself in when I was set upon by WW2 German Soldiers…yeah…in Soviet ruled Derwentside.
SO I did my best E&E through some buildings and allyways dodging tanks and soldiers into the jungle. I some how came upon another bunch of Veterans like myself and we put up camp for the night. It was during this brief moment of reflection one of the newbies in the group pointed something out in the sky silhouetted against the setting sun. He asked what it was and we confirmed in a very relaxed manner that it was a thermo nuclear device in the atmosphere and proceeded to debate the yield. Apparently It was positioned there by the reds to keep us in check….sort of like a very literal gun to the head of another country. The newbie set a fire ablaze to make chow and very quickly our position was compromised and we were set upon by the germans again. Back into the Jungle and back into an Open Space which apparently it was illegal to be in as the Reds had not yet designated it as a Federal Open Place of Leisure. An Agent of the Government proceeded to tell me this as I was captured and…I woke up.
END.
Sun
Feb
21
…and another update.
I had my laser eye surgery on Friday Morning. Truth be told I was sitting in the waiting room for an hour shitting my pants. Turns out it was completely unnecessary. The procedure took less than 5 minutes and the only bad part was when the Doc made the flap with a little clear plastic cookie cutter and a what appeared to be a big steel press with bright lights. Everything went black for those few moments, then the cookie cutter came out and the “flap” popped off my eye with a wierd sensation then settled again. Then he did the other eye. After that he swung me round under the laser and put the clamp thing in my eye to hold it open. He peeled the flap of skin back and everything went blurry. He was yelling at me over the noise of the machine to focus on the orange and red flashing light but i couldnt see shit without the skin over the front of my eye. Then the laser flashed into my eye a few times and the smell of burning skin filled my nostrils. Rinse and repeat for the other eye. Afterwards I was a little shaken. I mean, when you have anything done to your eyes its nerve racking given the consequences of something going wrong. It doesnt bear to think about going blind or having your vision reduced even further. Especially given the cost of the procedure.
So the procedure went well. I walked out of the surgery and the anaesthetic drops in my eyes began to wear off and my eyes were really heavy and sensitive to the light. Of course mother had decided to park on the other side of town to the surgery. By the time we were back down near the car park I couldnt see a damn thing because i couldnt open my eyes. Once home the torture began. Because the slightest thing can dislodge the flap of skin the surgeon created, touching your eyes is a big no-no. however they neglect to mention that, that same flap of skin feels like an inside out contact lense making your eye itch like hell. Trying not to scratch it or rub my eye was like hell on earth but i perservered. After a while the ibuprofen kicked in and I was able to fall asleep and rest my eyes for an hour or so. Upon waking up they were watery and sensitive to light but my vision was already clearing up. There was still alot of blur though where Light was reflecting from surfaces or being projected from, and causing alot of glare. I was told this was normal. Its still quite bad today.
Now I’m left wondering what to do with myself. I’m bored to tears and my mind is doing its utmost to make me feel like the shittiest person in the world currently. I have a dream thats so fragile even thinking about it is dangerous business. Today however I can’t get it out of my head and so my mind is giving it a good kicking. If there are any splinters/fragments/shards/dust left of it by the end of today I’d be surprised. I literally just feel like giving it up. I want to fight for it but this is me we’re talking about. Of course its a dream thats out of my reach, a fantasy at best. But its got me thinking. I’ve been there, I’ve been the agony aunt for years now, listening to other peoples shit. Shit that to me has seemed trivial at times and downright ridiculous at others. And now I need that same help, that outside opinion or input its not there. Its fucking infuriating me. Why the fuck should I bother being such a good friend when I can’t rely on anyone to be the same for me? I’ve been duct taping up other peoples problems for a long while now, in the absence of having my own, and now that I have a fucking big one trying to offer the duct tape is like telling someone you want to give the some hybrid form of aids and rabies with the side effects of pneumonic plague. Great eh. So I believe today I shall just wallow in self pity, tearing myself apart piece by piece.
I wish I could just tell her, to call her and explain how I feel and how I’d like things to be. Everytime I dream of it I feel self centered. heh. God its killing me, all these what ifs. What if she feels the same, what if she’s thinking about me? what if she’s wondering why I havent called her? What if she doesnt feel the same. What if she’s fed up of me texting her or facebooking her. What if she’s just glad im not calling her. What if I do call and she hang ups. What if I tell her and she shoots me down.
You see what I mean about relationships and all that goes with them being far to sodding complicated these days? It’d be easier If I could just say “Me strong hunter, me give you much food and many babies” but no, theres all this extra emotion and complication.
Fri
Feb
12
Once again I can’t sleep. I’m going to try some free writing and see where it takes me, if anyhere at all. She’s consuming my thoughts again. her beauty is so haunting, it breaks my heart to think of her. Bearing in mind I havent really made my feelings known to her for fear of well…everything, I’m living in absolute terror that she could turn around and say she’s just not interested. And theres a black place inside me that suspects those few words are coming. Those few words which have shattered a thousand worlds and scattered their remains over each broken heart they have made. Its worrying really, I was lying awake on monday night clawing at my head that her face would leave me and let me sleep and dream of her instead in the embrace of rest. Now I pray she’d leave me because each time she’s there my heart trembles with fear and I dislike being this vulnerable. I feel broken as if something is missing and I don’t know how to overcome it. It makes me feel sick, disinterested in everything around me. As if my heart has been broken before it was ever in anyone elses hands.
“And if I start to come undone, stitch me together”…please. I’m frayed at the edges now and every passing day is tugging loose another thread and destroying the fabric I’m made of. This whole thing seems scary and desperate but I’ve been getting little or nothing from my friends in the way of support through this. Peach’s girlfriend has contributed a little but i just need to get my mind off it all. Nevermind. I’ve suffered through worse by myself before and it looks like I’ll be left to weather this storm alone again. If I had a God I’d pray to him or her for strength. I’d like to believe in the old Gods, but if thats the case, I doubt Thor would listen to a weak man’s prayers. Instead he’d simply laugh and watch me suffer. Like Crom from the Conan comics. Besides if there was a God I wouldnt have to pray would I? but then Benevolence is apparently something most Gods lack in.
Sorry, getting distracted by music. trying to find some suitably sad songs to fit my mood. Am I the only person that does that? Seems a bit odd on reflection. I bet most people would rather listen to some upbeat music to lift their spirits. I just can’t bring myself to. I’m not in the mood for happy music. It’d be a betrayal of how I feel. Maybe I like feeling like this? Is that it? I don’t want to lift my spirits because I enjoy the Black Dog as company? In a twisted way that could be right. In hindsight I’ve spent most of my adult life in solitude - alone and dealing with varying forms of grief from one source or another, alone. I get a strange feeling that theres some form of Nostalgia attatched to how I feel now.
“In the ruins of memories he wanders”
I have enough Nostalgia for other moods and memories I dont need this shit. A quick flash of blood and a brief release was always the answer before, to kill an emotional pain with something physical. That rush of saliva to the mouth and the tingling sensation left over in my arm. I feel I’m too old for that option now. It wouldnt look good. Fuck it why should I let how other people view me affect how I deal with my emotions? however fucked and conflicted they are? I wish I could get some sleep. I bet whoever reads this wishes I would go to sleep too. Are you still reading this? You are showing alot of dedication in trying to get inside my mind. What else would you like to know? Ask me another night. I’ve sufficiently exhausted my mind enough to hope Her face will leave me for a few solitary moments alone with my pain so I can slip off to sleep.
“wait for me in the mountains, haunt for me in the winds, wait for me in the land where nothing lives…Until my heart is cold every breath of mine is yours”
But wierd dreams breed in mine.
First of all Good Morning. I feel compelled to right this down, it was wierd. I dreamt I was in a castle over looking a wide square then a small harbour. me and a few of my friends were in the top of the tower, held as some kind of prisoner. The best part of it was, she was there, the girl I told you about last night :D. We took care of each other in that tower until one day the west wing running from the tower began to collapse and the door to our living quarters opened. The rush was on, then, to get out of the castle before it fell down. this involved breaking down alot of other locked doors or kicking them in until we were down in a little room beside the square, which turned out to be a marshalling area where we picked up our things and went to the pub. The pub part was my favourite. Her and myself cuddled alot and celebrated our freedom and sat enjoying the night away in each others company, talking etc and sharing the occasional kiss. Once that had finnished there was some kind of wake being held by some burly blokes from a local factory so we took off into some country roads. I was following her completely bewildered about where we were going. but I lost her. a few of my friends were still with me but i was distraught, we retraced our footsteps and made our way down a side road from the one we were on which lead to a big cathedral and everyone was inside. I couldnt see properly though, the light outside was really bright yet really blurry and there were alot of people moving past outside. then I woke up. Feeling for the most part really happy that I had dreamt about her :)
Anyhow that was all, i just wanted to write it down before I forgot it all hehe.
Atay safe
Phil
Thu
Feb
11
Well hello there. I didn’t think this dusty place was still inhabited. Nevermind, like spring brings new life so I shall bring something fresh to this Blog!
So! Wow! The last post I made was in April last year? Thats nearly a year ago, geez. so much for the once a week thing huh? So yeah, its 1.30 in the AM and I’m not so much wide awake as just unable to sleep. I’m tired - but I can’t sleep. Aint that a kick in the head…actually that might do me some good.
Well here it goes. I met someone (well in the flesh) on saturday night after a bit of back and forth on facebook. and well, I can’t get her out of my head. It seems she’s taking over every waking hour. What makes it so bad is that I havent really spoken to her since Saturday, and I’m so freakin terrified of doing it incase she thinks I’m comin on too strong or something and bolts.
Its the strangest thing, whenever you hear someone talking about being smitten its alikened to butterflies in their stomach but for me its like a pit that my heart is falling into. I close my eyes and I see her face remember the feel of her skin. Ok I sound like a murderer or something now but you get the jist, remember the last time you saw someone who totally floored you? Anyway, what does that all have to do with sleep, well it all comes together when I lie down and close my eyes, I think about her and how beautiful she is and that pit in my stomach opens up my heart tumbles down into it, a big lump forms in my throat and my mind runs away with itself and I struggle to drift away to sleep. I’m haunted and going slightly crazy
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“Desperate to make contact,
terrified by a visage so pure.
frozen a beautiful Gorgon had glanced at me
my soul forever stolen by you.”
On a totally different note.I’m investigating Laser eye surgery at the moment and have my first consultation tomorrow (yeah I know I should be in bed). I’m kinda looking forward to it. I have alot on my “shopping list” too, aside from the “surgery”, I aim to buy a new suit tomorrow if I’m lucky! Then come the tattoos yis. Laura (Stan’s Girlfriend) is designing me something involving Thor battling with Jormungandr - The Midgarde wyrm! sounds quite awesome to me and I look forward to seeing the end result.p.s if anyone can link me some pictures of celtic/saxon/scandinavian knotwork then that’d be awesome.
Well that is all for now, I suppose \i better go try not to think about her too much and get some sleep
Wed
Apr
15
Howdy all, another post about the useless state of Britain.
There’s more nonsense in the news about Police Brutality at the G20 protests today. To be perfectly honest if you were fucking stupid enough to protest anyway you deserve a beating. BUT I can understand their being a problem with the police being violent to passers by it is perhaps a little too much. But why complain about it.
I grew up in a small mining village called Catchgate where intimidation by the “big families” acting like mafias in the village was normal, where you had to be in a gang to be free of this sort of thing and were vandalism and minor criminal offences were commonplace, but the police never did anything. Now Fifteen years on and I’m out of the village (thank god) It’s turned into the Arsehole of the Derwentside District. Those Minor Criminal offences have turned into violent crime and retaliation, to drug trafficing, selling, use, addiction and where those mafias have spun out of police control into the control of the village as their own power base. And, as I said, the Police can do nothing about it now.
So, all these people complaining that police are being “Brutal” or “heavy handed” are taking the piss. If the Police get anymore soft the criminals will have already won, theres already too much red tape tying their hands behind their backs and stopping them from doing their job, which is to keep these same people who complain about them, safe from harm or criminals. The Police in London are what is needed to discipline this country.
But this is what Britain has become a miserable old woman who’s never happy unless she’s complaining about something. The nation which built the worlds Biggest Empire, which fuelled the Industrial Revolution, which prides itself on democracy, freedom of speech and equality, has squandered that all away into a pathetic Politically correct moron with a giant government tongue depressant in his mouth to stop him speaking all together for fear someone will take offence, covered in bubble wrap, not because he might hurt himself, but because he might hurt others. Not just Physically either but emotionally. And even if he could talk he’d just take pot shots at everything which ensures his way of life, like the police and the military. Who complains that police arent firm enough with criminals when gangs beat up ambulance drivers and firemen and vandalise their equipment, then in the same breath berate them for being “too firm”.
Mark my words, we have the unfortunate honor of living through a black period in British History.
Something has to change.
